Reverse Culture Shock

It’s a real thing. Dude. Really. I was a little skeptical about the idea of reverse culture shock when I was preparing to head back from Thailand last December. After all, Chiang Mai is a pretty comfortable place to live. There are plenty of Westerners and I was rarely in a situation where I felt disadvantaged by the deficiencies in my Thai vocabulary. Further, I’d only been away from home for 14 months (only!) and had even visited home once in the middle. Surely, surely, it would not be too big a shock to my system to return to the way of life I’d always known. But as any Star Trek fan knows, logic and emotions don’t mix and I was trying to apply logic to an emotional condition.

My friend Jes Steinberg is just starting her second year as a teacher in Jeruselem, and she wrote a blog post before her first summer back in the States that really illustrates the adventure of heading out versus the adventure of returning home.

The other night at a friend's BBQ, I noticed that there was a ladder that led to her roof. "Ever been up there?" I asked. "No way!" she stated. Who knows what awaits us up there! I thought. There could be a beautiful view of Jerusalem and it is not being seen. What else could be waiting to be found way up there?

I began to climb the ladder.

Now, to some, this would be no big deal. But I am afraid of heights. And ladders, to me, are the worst. The getting up there isn't so bad. You are moving forward, there is a goal: to go up, to see what is there. But then one has to go back, and therein lies my problem. Going back down means I have to trust that the ladder is going to do its job. Although it had done it only moments before, coming back down has a different feel to it. Your goal is not to "go forth" and to "see," but for me, it is plain and simply to get both feet back on the ground and be alive when that happens.

For the first month or so I gleefully traveled around, visiting friends and going on a mission trip to Honduras with my parents’ church. I was not looking forward to the time when I would be settling down and I’d have to face the business of real life. One of the hardest things about reverse culture shock was that I didn’t really get that I had it. I was stressed out about finding a job, but even with that I knew I had some time. I guess it was almost like for the past year and a half I’d been living in a space where things didn’t seem quite real and suddenly all the worries and insecurities of my old life came flooding back. I didn’t have a job or any idea of what job would suit me. I didn’t have the excitement of Thailand and missions to define me. I started feeling like a complete loser! Things were supposed to be better after that amazing experience! I had a hard time trying to talk to people about what I was experiencing because I didn’t feel like I had the right to complain. Even on the hardest, loneliest day in Thailand, I never regretted making the decision to go there, but there were many times after I got back when I wondered if it had been a foolish decision. To further confuse me about my life and my identity, I was trying my hand at an unfamiliar new lifestyle called dating. I’m not sure if that was a good thing to attempt when I was already stretched to my emotional boundaries.

After a few months of this I finally broke down and bought a book about reverse culture shock. I’m not sure how much I actually learned from it, but there was one point I needed to accept. As much as I thought I should be fine, reverse culture shock is a real thing. I had it. Everything I read said that it typically lasts around 6 months, which seemed crazy since that was almost half the amount of time I was gone to begin with. But 6 months in was pretty much exactly the time I started to feel better! For all my talk about logic vs. emotions, there was a very logical reason for when started feeling better, and that is that I got a job. I’d been hired by a large insurance brokerage and, though it wasn’t my dream job, I finally had some structure in my life. I had a reason to get out of bed before noon. I had projects that actually had a purpose outside of my own whimsy.

There is another factor here that is harder to pinpoint. I’d like to call it the magic of karaoke. Okay, not exactly, but I was spending time with a fun new group of friends a few times a week. And I was starting to realize that they actually enjoyed my company! I don’t want to minimalize the importance of my other friends (small group for life!) but there was something about seeing the same people every Wednesday and Friday, in the homey atmosphere of our pub, Durty Nelly’s, that made me feel valuable. And suddenly the whole culture shock thing began to take on a whole different look. The fact that my life looked so different from what I was used to didn’t confuse or scare me anymore. It was exciting! It sounds cheesy but I felt like I’d been reborn. Who was I becoming? I don’t know, but somehow I knew it was someone I would like.

The Return

Well the 14 months are over and I am headed back to the US, with a brief stop in Canada. It doesn't feel real that I left Thailand...I don't want to say "for good" but you know what I mean.  I feel like I will be back there next week. I had so much fun the last month I was in Thailand! I went back to the elephant camp, did the Flight of the Gibbon zipline course, broke my toe playing in Sticky Falls, got to ride in the back of the truck a few more times, and mostly laughed a whole lot with friends.

Now back to real life. I'll be settling down in Lake Forest soon and looking for a job. I'm hoping to really be able to reflect on the past year and grow through what I've learned. I don't know how much I've changed but  I know I must have and I want to be able to incorporate the "new me" into what I see as my old life.

When I was at the airport to leave, there was a group of other people I knew also heading home, and with them a huge group of people to say goodbye. I overheard one of their leaders talking about all the groups she's seen come and go and some of the advice they give their interns as they head back. One of the things she said was "don't dwell." We've just had an amazing, life changing experience in Thailand and it's hard to let go. We made a lot of friends and had some wonderful experiences. I can totally see myself living wondering what I would be doing if I were still in Thailand. Wondering if I should be going back. And who knows, maybe I will. But my job right now is to remember but not dwell. I need to be present wherever God takes me next. 

Awesome Thai Commercials

I haven't spent much time watching Thai television, but sometimes I encounter it all the same. On two occasions I was in a room with the TV on and there were commercials that really stood out to me. On both occasions I could understand what was happening in the commercials, but they left me mystified as to why.

In the first commercial we see a handsome young soldier in his dress uniform alighting from a train in a busy station. He carries a letter and a rose and is scanning faces, searching for someone. His eyes finally settle on a 30-something woman, not bad looking, but on the plain side and a little bigger than your average Thai woman. We get the impression that the soldier is looking for a woman he's been corresponding with romantically for some time but has never seen. The look on his face suggests a small amount of surprise and disappointment, but good-natured acceptance. But then the nice looking lady smiles and says...something in Thai. The handsome soldier looks to the side and walks towards a gorgeous, refined Thai woman and gives her the rose. Apparently the normal looking woman was just a decoy so the knock out could have a few more seconds to finish applying her lipstick? Or maybe the soldier had to go through the protective best friend before he got the go ahead to date the star? I guess I'll never know. I have no idea what this could have been a commercial for.

The next commercial that stuck with me was a little more obvious as to what it was selling, but had the same 'wait, was that offensive' feeling to it. A middle aged Thai businessman stands alone on the edge of a roof, apparently ready to end it all. The fire department arrives and scurries about down below. When they spread the big trampoline/net thing that they use to catch jumpers, it is actually a huge newspaper! The businessman looks down in shock and then interest as the rescue workers turn the pages of the giant newspaper so the man can read the apparently fascinating articles. The end shows the man walking away reading the newspaper, on to a brighter day.

In the US we make a big deal of our commercials, though I don't know anyone who actually watches them outside of the superbowl. I think maybe the language gap removes the in your face 'sell sell sell' feeling of these commercials and makes them so charming to me. 

The Copy Shop in Babel

Two months ago I took my Learning Thai book to the copy shop down the road to get a copy made for Josephine, my coworker. I went back in a couple of days to pick it up, but it wasn't ready yet. Actually, when I showed up the lady who works there started looking around like maybe she'd misplaced the book. After a couple of minutes she told me to come back later. But when I came back a few days later, she still didn't have it. At that point she took my phone number. I wondered later if I would even know when she called me. The women who work at this shop speak even less English than I speak Thai, which is very little.

A couple of days later I got a call from someone who could only speak Thai (a somewhat regular occurrence) and I optimistically thought it was the call from the copy shop. But when I showed up to see if they had my book ready it was obvious they weren't waiting for me. The woman was trying to explain something to me but I had no idea what. Finally she said to me something like "don't come back" which was shocking to hear, even though it wasn't said in anger. I had to assume that they had lost my book and the copy they'd made. But I really wanted to know what was going on! I also started to wonder if I should ask them to make it up to me in some way. I hate to be pushy or throw blame around, but they lost my Thai book! I'd found another copy of the book at the intern house and I was thinking I should ask them to make a copy for free to replace the one they'd lost. But how was I supposed to do that?

After a couple days I decided to ask my friend who has lived here for a few years for advice. She said that if I wanted we could go by with her Thai friend and she could ask the lady what was going on. When we got to the place and our Thai friend asked, the woman at the shop launched into an animated retelling of the "how the book got lost" story. When the story was done, our Thai friend said thanks and walked away without any of my suggestions of new copies being made. We got back into my friend's car and she asked us what had happened. I told her that my book was sitting out and suddenly a man on a motorbike drove by, swiped the book and drove off before anyone could do anything. At least that was my interpretation of the rushed Thai and hand movements.

Our Thai friend told us the real story. My book and the copy had been sitting on the counter when another customer came to collect a large job. He must have taken my books along with his. The woman assured us that he was a pretty regular customer and they would ask him to bring it back the next time they saw him. I waited and wondered how someone could pick up an unfamiliar Thai language book and never think to return it to where it obviously came from. He couldn't have been that regular of a customer because two months went by. Until....

This morning I got a call from a number I didn't have in my contacts. I don't like answering these calls because they're mostly wrong numbers (see second paragraph). But I did answer. The call went something like this:

"Hello?"
"Hello, ฎนากุถเขยรวล"
"...sorry?"
"Nakunruin copy shop"
"Oh, yes!"
"Okay, today?"
"Okay, yes."
"Okay."

It had been about a month since I'd completely given up on my Thai book, yet I knew right away what the call meant. I went in to the copy shop after work and there were hugs all around, confetti poppers and champagne (okay, just in my head) as they went under the counter and handed me my books. I was just so excited! Even though Josephine had long since decided to quit Thai lessons. And they didn't even give me a discount on the job.

Hurray!

100 days

Today marks 100 days until I leave Thailand. I know because I've been counting down on an ipod app for awhile. It's been really hard to focus on staying present here and getting everything I can out of the time I have left. I'm really excited about moving back to Southern California! Strangely, even before I came to Thailand I started having fantasies about what my life would look like when I came back. I know that this is just part of the "grass is always greener" mindset, so I try to remind myself that I'll still be basically the same person when I get back. I don't think I'll suddenly find a passion for working out or spontaneously develop new hobbies. Who's to say, maybe I will be inspired to take on something new, but I shouldn't count on it.

People love to insist that we live in the moment and get everything we can out of life. That's all good, but what does it really mean? Do I need to be walking the streets everyday, trying to scare up experiences? Is it a shameful waste of a day if I choose to come home after work and watch tv? There's only so much one girl can do! I like to think that living in a foreign city and interacting with people from all over the world, "life" will find me whether I'm looking for it or not. Phew, pressure off!

All that being said, I had a pretty good day. I slept in until 9:30. When I got up our housekeeper was downstairs cleaning the kitchen. It's been raining pretty constantly for the past few days, so she made a comment about how it's easy to sleep when it's cold out. At least I'm pretty sure this is what she said because she was speaking Thai. I feel so awkward having the housekeeper here on Saturday mornings. I feel like I can't just lie around in my pjs when someone is here cleaning our house. So I usually end up finding something to do outside the house.

I'd been looking at the website with the movie theater listings (http://www.majorcineplex.com/en/ if you're interested) but there weren't any English movies that interested me. So I started looking at the Thai movies. It took me many months to realize that many of the Thai movies have English subtitles, and I'd never seen any of the Thai movies until today.

Before the movie I ate lunch at the food court outside of the theater in the mall. Although it was noon, I hadn't eaten breakfast so I wasn't really in the mood for a rich greasy Thai meal. I looked at the different counters, some with signs in English and others without, until I saw a place with a picture of a dish that looked appealing to me. It happened to be another rich greasy Thai dish, but it still looked tasty. I went to order it, thinking I could just point to the picture, but the picture was facing towards me and away from the woman serving food, so I don't think she knew what I meant. I ran my eyes over the string of Thai letters labeling the dish, but there was no way I'd get past the first couple of syllables. Luckily there was a Thai woman next to me who saw I was struggling and she read the name of the dish to the woman working there. Hurray! Language barrier overcome, if just for a minute and if just for food. I gave the woman a kop kun ka (thank you) when my order was placed. It was only when the woman got her food and walked away that I noticed her shirt had a word bubble that said "Oops." I found that oddly appropriate for the situation.

The movie that interested me was called Shambala. It was about two brothers who had been estranged when they decide to go on a trip to Tibet together. It was the typical road trip bonding movie where the brothers with opposite personalities started off fighting and ended up closer than they ever had been. I don't know if it's because the movie was specifically set in Tibet or if it's an aspect of Thai movies in general, but Buddhism played a large role in the movie. I'll have to watch some more Thai movies to find out.

I took a songtaew home and it started pouring down rain right before we got to my stop. I started the 15 minute walk back to my house with my ineffective umbrella. My flip flops were so wet I was afraid I would slip out of them. Luckily I soon saw a familiar white van coming towards me. Kelly was on her way out of the neighborhood and when she stopped I hopped in and asked where we were going. We dropped the kids off for a play date and then stopped by the market before heading back home. I was happy to have a ride back to my front door.

When I got in, my roommate Laura was home. We went out after an hour and watched the international school's boys volleyball team play in a tournament. They lost by two points. Oh, I guess I should say they came in second in the tournament. Yay! When the game was over we walked down the road to have dinner at a restaurant, Coaches, which is run my a missionary family. On the way we were harassed by a literally ankle biting puppy. We narrowly escaped when his jaws were distracted by a discarded hat. The seating at the restaurant is in a tree house like loft and it was nice to sit and eat with the rain, which started pouring again as soon as we were under cover. It's the rainy season here and I am loving every minute of it, yes, even when people don't show up out of nowhere to give me a lift.

Flier found in my mailbox today (with added footnotes)

Dear Moobahn 1 Member,

    By World Club Land Juristic.2 Collaboration with the Organization Nongkawy. Will spray "Smoke"3. To prevent "Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever" 4 in our village on Monday, August 27, 2012 at 9:00am. Onwards. Without any cost.
     If you want to spray inside the house. Please give the landlord or a housewife5 waiting at home. To prepare for the open house. If you do not want to spray in the house. They will spray around. The homes of members.


1. Moobahn = neighborhood
2. There is no punctuation in Thai, so this can be a tricky concept for Thais writing in English.
3. Well what is it if it's not literally smoke?!
4. That sounds unpleasant.
5. They aren't being sexist, they mean housekeeper.

In conclusion, I'm glad I wasn't home for this.

Q: What do you call it when you throw your laptop into the ocean?

A: A dell (Adele) - rolling in the deep.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! (Thanks Pam.) 

That joke strikes a sorrowful chord for me because I have a dell and it makes me imagine it falling in the sea. I would not be happy. A few months ago I suffered a blow I hope you will never know, but many of you will. My hard drive crashed. One minute I was happily running a dozen programs, nine tabs open in Google Chrome, when my baby froze and then gave me the blue screen of death. When I restarted her she gave me a page that led me through a loop of options that never led anywhere. Was this really happening? Would my computer live to show me her desktop again? 

My trusty Ryan and Kelly were on vacation at the time and I felt like I needed to be resourceful and solve this problem by myself. What does one do when one's computer goes haywire? I mean, after one emails one's father. One finds a trusted computer shop and takes it in. I was a little intimidated by this since I had no idea what computer shops in Thailand are like. Can I trust them? Do they know what they're doing? Will my computer end up in some back room for weeks while I wait for her return? Luckily I had the handy "Life in Chiang Mai" guide that many of us falong (foreigners) use when they're getting settled here. They had one entry about computer help, a ministry that helps other ministries with programs, hardware, and software. I pictured a bright clean room with smiling missionaries, waiting to sit with me and hold my hand while we boot up my computer and they pinpoint the exact problem. 

This is not what I got. First of all the place was way the heck on the other side of the city. I was getting pretty confident on my motorbike, Ruby, so I thought the drive would be worth it to take it to a place I felt I could trust. The ride took me about an hour, complete with a jaunt the wrong way out into the countryside and a stop at the local clinic for directions, where I got to introduce myself to Doctor Kriengsak. Doctor Kriengsak is the pastor of a large Thai church but he also runs a clinic for half the day. He later became part of some of my more infamous adventures. I got a pretty bad sun burn from this trip.

When I finally arrived at the place, the only person in was the Thai secretary. She had me fill out a form saying what my computer was (and wasn't) doing and then took my computer. That was it. She said something about Friday, but I wasn't sure if I would be getting it back then or hearing from them or what. The cluttered work space with multiple disassembled machines did not bode well. 

Friday came and I heard nothing. My call to the place didn't bring much information. A few days later I called again and confirmed that the hard drive was dead and they were calling Dell to get it replaced. They said that since it was still under warranty, it would be free. A few days later and they were still trying to reach Dell. By now Ryan and Kelly were back. They didn't have a lot of confidence in this group. Apparently Ryan had gone to them for help getting car insurance (huh?) and had to really hassle them before he got a response. He recommended I drop back in and talk to them in person. That's great but I'm still sun burnt from the last time! 

But my confusion about the progress was getting to me. I made the drive back, which was much shorter when you knew the way, and saw what they were up to with my baby. Unfortunately, seeing them in person renewed my confidence in them. I say unfortunately because the confidence was misplaced. The next thing I heard was that my warranty was no good outside of the US, so I had two choices. Pay to extend the warranty internationally (about $50) or just buy a new hard drive which would cost me more. I choose the first one, but then a few more days went by with no word. 

Since that first fateful day, I had realized there was a Dell store right in our local mall. Everyday since I saw it I was tempted to get my computer back and take it there, but I always felt like I should wait just a little longer, keep faith. Finally I called and got a hold of the one American who was connected to the group. Not to be racist, but it's really hard for two people who only know a little of the other's language to have a technical conversation about computers. The American said he wasn't sure why it was taking so long. I asked if it would be better if I just got it back and took it to the Dell store, since then at least it would be a more direct link to Dell. He said that they were also a Dell supplier, but they could continue to try and talk to Dell while I took it to other people. 

Luckily this guy lived in my neighborhood, so he could bring it home for me and I was saved a third trip. I took her directly up to the Dell store in the mall and wouldn't you know it...I found a bright clean store where the people started my computer up right away and figured out what was wrong with it. Though by then I already knew what was wrong, it was so great to have them give me such prompt attention. They said that I would have to buy a new hard drive and I could do that two stores down or at one of the many computer supply stores in the mall. I asked about the warranty and they said that it would be $100 to extend the warranty AND it would take about a month to get it in place and get me a new hard drive! If I just bought a new hard drive I could get one for $50. So the opposite of what the first people had told me. I went next door right away and they got me a hard drive and installed it in less than an hour. They even installed windows for free. 

Though I knew I'd wasted about two weeks on these other people, I was just relieved to have my baby up and running again, though with a bad case of amnesia. The Dell people said that they couldn't recover any data from the hard drive. I drove (all the way) back to the other people and asked if they would be able to do it, and no. I even put the hard drive in the freezer and tried recovering the data myself, but no. I had a bit of a religious crisis as I laid hands on the dead drive and attempted a resurrection. Most of what I lost, after all, was for my work at SVM2 and the personal stuff could be gotten other places. But God, in His mysterious will, wouldn't give me 10 minutes to pull my old emails and spreadsheets. I'm still hoping that one day I will be given a sign and when I plug in the hard drive it will work. Until then, I'm just grateful that I have a beautiful, working computer with a very new hard drive.

What is the moral of this story? Is there any lesson to be learned? I tried to find one. Don't trust your instincts maybe. Don't try to be resourceful and solve something by yourself? And always always always back up!